Notes App II
A Goodbye Not Said
The thing about your childhood is that it doesn’t pay you the respect of letting you know when it’s over. It will be there, countless golden days, until it isn’t, before you could understand the end has always been right there.
Sober Curious
I left the bar wishing I could put that night into a metal box, and dig a hole for it 6 feet deep. All I did was talk to my friends but I can’t help but feel I messed up again. I know in the morning I will hear things I don’t want to and I will wish I am the one to crawl into that hole. For now, nicotine and sleep will hold me into the night as I wait to feel like myself once more.
Places I Could Be Anywhere Universally
Chipotle
A track field
Target
Public restrooms
Movie theaters
Are you mad at me?
It got colder and I’m wearing a Marlboro jacket everyday. I cut bangs and dyed my hair black to distract from the chills but now I scare myself every time I pass my mirrors. I should probably just take those down. Every time I feel myself slipping into another depressive episode I worry everybody hates me because I’m no fun to be around. I would know because sitting in my bed alone with her is the worst but there is nowhere else to go except the places I should be and god knows I cannot do that.
The Worst Years Of My Life
The pain is small when it has pretty things as company.
“I am anxious all the time, but look at all I have!”
Fear
I used to believe nothing was worse than death, but now nothing scares me more than going home.
Metro North
We left the house while it was still dark out, and caught the train just moments before it left. It’s empty and silent and filled with stale air and paunchy lighting. My fingers are sticky from the cereal bar I’m eating. From out the window I can make out the first line of buildings, tall and unassuming as they descend upwards into the misty morning. Soon enough the buildings will dissolve into blurs of greenery or perhaps just more of those cloudy blues.
Keith is bent over in his seat, writing. I want to tell him he’ll get a stiff neck but I won’t do that because I know it’s silly and the Metro North is just as much his as my own so I will let him sit hunched and I will keep eating my cereal bar.
Blocked Number
Do you keep blocking me because you are mad or because you know what I am saying is true and you can’t stand to hear it?
When you went home for two weeks and I told you to give your dad a hug, you didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. I never know what to say to you anymore, where to draw the line.
I’ve got less and less of an excuse to say anything at all now that it’s been over a year, but I always find myself with the need to say something. I don’t miss you and don’t want to see you but I hope something cool happens to you today and if that’s not what you want to hear then you can block me again.
I’ll still be here with more to say when you come back, and I know you always do.
God help me (I’m 20 years old)
Can’t you see I am changing myself for you??
